Parents, hold your horses! You're not the one applying to college!

College applications are well underway for most seniors at this time of the year. (1) The student should have already set up their application account on the CommonApp, the portals for the state colleges and any other portals used by the institutions that are not using the CommonApp (e.g. the UCAS for UK universities). (2) The student should have requested for recommendation letters from teachers and any additional referees. (3) The student should be drafting their college essays.

Typically, I do not blog about parents, but every year, I see interventions from parents of my students that I would call interference instead of support. So, much as I have reservations, I think what I am about to say could be good advice for parents if they are genuinely concerned.

Overarching message to parents: Hold your horses and rein in your anxieties!

And, here are my take on some Dos and Don’t-s:

Do

  • Help (not do it for them) with filling out information on the application portals, especially since your child may not know some information about you, e.g. what colleges you went to, which is required information on some portals.

  • Have a say in the colleges your child wants to apply to, especially when finances have to be a factor in the college education. But do listen to their opinions too, especially if they have done good research and you have not.

  • Be a reader for your child’s essays and share opinions on the content or even the way the content is framed. You can be a good source of what might be worthy snippets from their lives.

  • Provide a set of deadlines for your child to finish the tasks required before they click “submit.” This is especially necessary if your child is prone to procrastination.

  • Provide moral and emotional support, whether in the form of their favorite foods or do their laundry for them when there’s a time crunch or simply some words of encouragement.

I’m sure there’s much more to add, and what works will depend on each student’s home situation.

Don’t

  • Try to write their college essays!

    • You can be a sounding board for what they write. But, when you add in sentences like “I believe my teachers think very highly of me. And, when I was elected as the class representative, I knew I was right about that,” any admission reader will suspect parental intervention in the essay. The outcome is not going to be as you wish.

  • Add unnecessary tasks to the tough application process.

    • I had a student whose parents did not believe my/their child’s hard work when I approved the student’s 4 UC essays after half a summer of writing, editing, revising. They insisted at a meeting that they want their child to try writing essays for ALL of the 8 UC prompts so they can pick the best 4 of the 8.

      Given that the student had not written his personal statement nor supplemental essays, I must say that is one of the most unwise pieces of advice from any parent, ever.

  • Add anxiety

    • There are so many ways parents can add to the anxiety that a 12th grader already has. Here’re some:

      - Disagreeing with the sound advice from professionals: I have a parent who insisted that the “Activities List” section of the CommonApp should be filled out on the child’s school’s student information system, and not in the application portal itself. She demanded that the child go talk to the school counselor about setting it up on their SIS. How did she even construe that in her head? Well, she read in some comment in a parents’ group chat.

      - Making expectations based on what others have achieved: Statements like, “If so-and-so’s daughter did it, why can’t you?” Or, “You are so much better than that boy next door. If he could get into X-College, surely you will get admitted.” Imagine the disappointment if the child does not get into that same college.

      Every year, the competition is different, and what colleges are looking for also may not be the same. Parents should not set expectations based on comparisons or false hopes for their children.

College application is a stressful process, both for the students and their parents (and even a private counselor like me). Parents, whatever you want to do with your child’s application, breathe and count to 5 or 10, or however many numbers you need, then, think if whatever you plan to say or do will be of benefit. If need be, remember my words, to stop yourself from being a nightmare to your child.

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College Essays Should NOT Be Written in Fancy-Schmancy Style!

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Make Your Decision Work: A Word of Advice Before College Decision Day.