What my students admitted to top-tier schools* wrote in their personal statements (Part 1)

* The students mentioned here are currently enrolled in/graduated from the following colleges (in alphabetical order):

Cornell, Harvard, Johns Hopkins, Rice, Washington University St Louis.

Caveat: The Personal Statement is NOT a Brag Sheet

A couple of years ago, a mother approached me in October, Fall semester, for help as a “second opinion” for her 12th grader son’s college essays. She had hired a college admissions counselor to help her son but both of them felt that the essays approved by the counselor seemed a bit“off.”

In my opinion, his original personal statement was no more than a pretext to boast to admission committees all the “great” things he has achieved and done throughout high school. It would not make the cut. It would actually hurt his application!

Cut to the chase, I “tore up” his original essay and we started a brand new personal statement from scratch. He went on to receive admission from a couple of Ivies besides a few others ranked in the top 20 among research universities. Ok, so what did he write about?

Case 1: Lessons from failure

He wrote about how his overconfidence in a team-event led to his team not winning any trophy. While he highlighted how his confidence stemmed from his past successes and upbringing, his focus was on how that backfired and made him a poor team-player. He then went on to discuss the camaraderie from his team-mates and his realization of the importance of functioning as a team.

The final essay was a far cry from his initial “brag sheet” type of essay. Admissions committees will learn about how excellent applicants are from their transcripts, activity lists, recommendations and test scores. But, how much maturity and resilience there is in an applicant’s character can only be showcased through his/her analysis of events in his/her life.

More examples…

Case 2: Passion

K. has a stellar academic track record in school. Outside of school, she was an accomplished ballerina in addition to the many hats she wore. She founded an organization that helped immigrants with translation for legal procedures. She was also the president of a youth club that tutored kids from homes that could not give them academic support.

There was much she could have written about. She decided from the onset that she would write about ballet. We found a good topic in a turning point in her life when she was not placed in any top spots in an international competition, much to the disbelief of everyone, including herself. She focused on how she questioned if years of effort and endurance of pain were all worth it. Her analysis of how she had mistakenly equated effort with expected rewards was the opposite of what true love for dance ought to be. Through her reflection of what she had done over the years and her determination to continue with her love of dance, she exhibited what the elusive passion many are talking about (that will boost a college applicant’s profile) really means.

Case 3: Recognition that luck is needed in life

A. did not have any spectacular, extraordinary events in his uneventful seventeen years on earth. We brainstormed and had long pauses of days, even weeks, before we came up with an idea. We decided on writing about luck as a factor for success in life, how as a late-comer, and not a player that won any solo recognition for his instrument, he was able to be recruited into a district orchestra and played at internationally-famous stages.

Of course, one can’t simply say luck is all that matters. He wrote about his hard work, the support of family and teachers as well. But, to humbly acknowledge the factor of luck brought about a whiff of freshness, and maturity, to make a college essay stand out. Life, after all, is not always just about how great one is and that one can dictate every outcome one so desires (that would lean more towards hubris.)

Case 4: Love that transcends language and cultural differences

W. is mostly about STEM. Her volunteer experiences are STEM-related. Her choice of major is a branch of engineering. My advice was that she should demonstrate a different aspect of her life; a “soft” side that is not all scientific equations and mathematical algorithms.

After a couple of false starts, we settled on giving a glimpse of her family life. Note that this is NOT a sob-story. She gave a quick walk-through of how she was brought up by a single mom, who later re-married but did not have a fairy-tale life still. The student’s calm discussion of a complicated family allows her inner strength and resilience to shine through. And, there was a great mother and also a wonderful step-grandmother who didn’t speak the same language nor share a similar culture. Yet, the love shared gave her much strength and support even after the passing of the grandma.

Case 5: Writing about one extra-curricular activity

One should not ideally not repeat materials that are already submitted. The admissions committees will have access to an applicant’s activity list. Technically, there is no need to write about what one does if it is already on the activity list. However, if there is a good story behind why one does what one volunteers for, and that activity has actually done much good, why not elaborate more?

T. wrote about an encounter that prompted him to participate in a project to help children from less-privileged homes. He started off with his first meeting with a child whose lunch was appallingly meager. He detailed what moved him, thereby providing insight to his own personality, and how he set up ways to help, demonstrating his thought processes and resourcefulness.

Conclusion: My Recommendation?

The above students profiled here all received acceptances to Ivy-league schools and/or schools similarly ranked. Academic strength and participation in non-academic activities are important factors in college admissions these days. But essays make up an important part of the pie-chart of factors involved as well.

Do I have any secret formula as to writing a good personal statement? Honestly, I have none. Just remember that it is an essay for admissions committees to know you. You want to present the best parts of you but it’s not an essay to second-guess what they are looking for. There are enough resources that any student can get his/her hands on as to how to approach essay prompts, model essays to read and even how to write them.

My principle when working with students is simple: I believe everyone is unique and has a story to tell. I work one-on-one with every student, sometimes roping in parental input about their life stories. We decide very carefully what best to talk about and how to tell the story. The goal is so that one’s essay stands a chance to make a strong and good impression on the admission readers who have piles and piles of essays to read.

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Read Part 2, with more recent examples here.